First, read this article by Joe:

Then go to a park, pick up a stone, and press play on this 11 minute meditation by Nathan (or if you're stuck indoors, pick up a balled-up sock and use your imagination)

First, read this article by Nathan about the different motivations you explored in the kickoff:

Then take this test to see if you've got it down:

Read this two-part essay by Joe.

When people talk about values, they often use fuzzy concepts like honesty, kindness, authenticity, and compassion. Those words can (and do) mean different things to different people. In order to do good values-based design, you will need be much more specific about what the value means. Here are some examples of well articulated values:

• honesty: speak about whatever is alive in your body as well as the needs, fears, and desires that that indicates
• kindness: support others in discovering and enacting their best understanding of self-care
• authenticity: approach your day with slow sincerity, calm and concerned about how to best respond to the moment
• compassion: approach other people's faults with humility and compassion, relating to them in a way that is deeply mindful of your own imperfections, and how you often fail to meet your own standards or even make good sense

Remember: values look quite different, depending on the person who holds them. These definitions of honesty, kindness, authenticity, and compassion are just mine. And I also have other related 🌳 Personal Values if you dig around a bit. — Nathan

Think of a way you try to be. Maybe you try to be generous, kind, helpful or a good listener. Whatever it is, write it down here:

Using the word above, answer these questions one at a time. (slowly works best)

1) To seem this way to others, I've been:

2) But on my own terms, being this way means being:

3) And people I admire for being this way inspire me because they are:

Now compare the first answer with the second and third. Are there any interesting or surprising differences?

"Shoulds"

Expectations. Think back to situations when your actions were guided by an expectation and how you felt in that moment. Try to remember 3 moments when you:

1. tried to create expectations about how to behave by setting an example or pressuring others (creating norms, ideology, social modeling)

2. tried to meet an expectation, tried to fit in (followed a norm)

3. tried to pressure yourself to live up to a certain standard, image, or expectation (followed an internalized norm)

"Coulds"

Values. Think back to situations when your actions were guided by a value and how you felt in that moment. Try to remember 2 moments when you:

1. observed a person being some way that was inspiring to you / you thought was really cool?

2. acted in a way that seemed like an expression of your self.

"Feelings"

Feeling patterns. Can you feel a difference in how you felt in your body when your actions were motivated by the shoulds (norms) vs the coulds (values)?

feelings in should moments:

feelings in could moments:

These feelings serve as a heuristic for recognizing if you are being guided by expectations or values. Once you can quickly sort yourself out, you'll be better able to tell the difference in other people. We call that skill 🥂Values Empathy. If you're not there yet, repeat this meditation on a piece of paper.

Think of a way you try to be. Maybe you try to be generous, kind, helpful or a good listener. Whatever it is, write it down here:

Using the word above, answer these questions one at a time. (slowly works best)

1) To seem this way to others, I've been:

2) But on my own terms, being this way means being:

Now choose a word from the "on my own terms" box (above), and answer these questions:

1) To seem this way to others, I've been:

2) But on my own terms, being this way means being:

Now choose a word from the "on my own terms" box (above), and answer these questions:

1) To seem this way to others, I've been:

2) But on my own terms, being this way means being:

Now choose a word from the "on my own terms" box (above), and answer these questions:

1) To seem this way to others, I've been:

2) But on my own terms, being this way means being:

Now choose a word from the "on my own terms" box (above), and answer these questions:

1) To seem this way to others, I've been:

2) But on my own terms, being this way means being:

Serge:

Treat people with curiosity as if they are mirrors of the greater, unconscious aspects of myself and as unique sources of insight into the landscape of my inner worlds

Nathan:

Live life in a way that supports others in discovering and enacting their best understanding of self-care

Bad formulations

• "Community". Imagine asking a theater director how you should play a friendship scene, and she says "community". I think you see the problem here.
• "Be Kind". Again, it's not clear how I could approach the situation, or what potential choices should stand out. I can't design with this formulation of my value.
• "Approaching things with a concrete sense of philosophical equanimity". What does that even mean? Often people will come up with a value that sounds interesting, poetic, or smart, but is actually so abstract that it doesn't matter to them in direct experience.

Better Formulation of a value around "how to be while criticizing people"

When you manage to live by your value, what are you noticing? What specific aspects of the situation should your value phrase bring into the foreground?

What I notice, and need to foreground: That we're both human beings, and that I make mistakes all the time, and that I often don't handle things the way I would have wanted to

How would you tell an actor to be in a scene where they make choices based on that?

Personal Value: approach other people's faults with humility and compassion, relate to them in a way that is deeply mindful of your own mistakes and imperfections

Bad formulations

• "Criticize people in a way that doesn't upset them". This is clear, but doesn't show me where I should direct my awareness. (It's about a goal with other people).
• "Stay calm, and don't take things too personally". This is perhaps decent advice, but it also doesn't help me focus my awareness on relevant choices.
• "Stick together through thick and thin". I can imagine what I'm supposed to do, but like "stay calm", it won't guide me towards what is important when I am making real choices.

Better Formulation of a value around "how to be while receiving criticism"

I need to figure out where to direct my attention. Not what to do, but how is it important to be when people are criticizing me.

Where should you direct your attention in order to live by this personal value?: Stay open to connection. Trust the person behind the mirror that they are holding up to me.

Rephrase the personal value to make those things stand out:

Personal Value: connect fearlessly, stay in touch with the person and the relationship, even when you don't want to see what they are showing you.

Bad formulations

• "See the plank in my own eye when I look at the speck in yours". This might be capturing what inspires me when I reflect on my experience. But how would I improvise around this Biblical image?
• "Don't feel resigned and isolated in difficult situations". This points in the direction of something important, but also isn't actionable. It doesn't show me a way to proceed.
• "Recognize that other people aren't the final judge of who I am". This is also in the direction of something important. But it doesn't tell me anything about who I actually am.

Better Formulation of a value around "how I want to treat my friends in tough times"

How would you tell an actor to approach a scene in which she lives by your personal value?: Think outside the box, and find solutions that could arise from collective efforts that wouldn't have been available to any one of you alone

Rephrase your personal value to be more about how to proceed:

Personal Value: keep things creative when friends are facing hardships, address problems collectively, draw on the wealth of your communal talents

To begin with harvesting your own emotions, step back into your memory. Pick a situation you experienced in the past weeks that felt emotionally challenging for you. This worksheet is most interesting to go through for a situation that brought up challenging emotions that are linked to the situation itself (more than to general life problems or previous trauma). Here are some questions to help you flesh out your memory.

• Where were you? With whom? What happened? What emotions came up? How did they manifest in your body?

Type your answers here:

In step 1, you identified different emotions that came up. decide on the one that was most clear and present. Think about the immediate cause of the emotion.

Write down your emotion and its immediate cause.

Example: I felt frustrated because people were late.

Find the emotion that came up on the list below and click on the toggle to find some questions. Challenging emotions point us towards values that were blocked, that we could not attend to, that were suppressed and so on.

You'll find several questions—pick the one that seems most helpful, and take notes.

Hint: If the emotion you wrote down does not match the emotions listed beneath, go for the one that is closest.

First look at examples.

Example:

Step 2 (emotions and immediate cause): I felt frustrated because people were late

Step 3 (value questions): What way of living is blocked? Treating my time as sacred

Then use answers from steps 2 and 3. Find the emotion, immediate cause, and the value. Remember: a value is a way you could have approached things, a how that you believe in.

Hint: These pre-fixes are often helpful when articulating your value...

approaching things ___, treating people ___, acting ___, keeping things ___, living life ____

Begin by

‣

← Clicking here and running your value through ⭐️ On My Own Terms

Find a word or short phrase that captures your value (a way of being). Write it down:

Using the word above, answer these questions one at a time. (slowly works best)

1) To seem this way to others, I've been:

2) But on my own terms, being this way means being:

3) And people I admire for being this way inspire me because they are:

How would you name your value now?

Use your answers to 2) and/or 3). Write it here:

approach things ___, treat people ___, act ___, keep things ___, live life __

Then continue by

asking these questions to make sure you have a "pure value".

Note: your value might already be spot on. If so, you don't need to answer the questions.

• Would it still be worth doing independent of the outcome? If so, continue to the next bullet point. If not, it's a goal or fear! Take notes below.

"How would I want to approach things/treat people/etc. if I couldn't affect the outcome?"

• Would it still be worth doing if no one knew you did it? If so, continue to the next question. If not, it's a social norm. Take notes below.

"How would I want to approach things/treat people/etc. if no one noticed?"

• Do you believe you could still be a good person even if you failed to be this way? If so, continue to the next question. If not, it's an internalized social norm. Take notes below.

"How would I want to approach things/treat people/etc. if there were no rules?"

• Would it still be worth being this way if no one else ever joined in? If so, (after all the questions above) it's probably a value! If not, it’s an ideological commitment. Take notes below.

"How would I want to approach things/treat people/etc. if I couldn't influence anyone?

Use any relevant answers to write out your value below.

Note: your value might already be spot on. If so, you don't need to answer the questions.

Personal Value:

Is your value "clear"? If not, answer these questions:

When you manage to live by your personal value, what are you noticing? What specific aspects of the situation should your personal value phrase bring into the foreground?

Use that information to rephrase your value in non-poetic terms that anyone could understand:

approach things _____, treat people _____, act (with) _____, keep things _____, live life ______

Is your value "awareness-guiding"? If not, ask these questions:

Where should you direct your attention in order to live by this personal value?

Use that information to rephrase your personal value and make those things stand out:

approach things _____, treat people _____, act (with) _____, keep things _____, live life ______

Is your value an "improvisational directive"? If not, ask these questions:

How would you tell an actor to approach a scene in which she lives by your personal value?

Use that information to rephrase your personal value to be more about how to proceed:

approach things _____, treat people _____, act (with) _____, keep things _____, live life ______