Our choices are often guided by concepts that are bundles of goals/fears, expectations, and personal values. This exercise is intended to help you pull those bundles apart.
Start by thinking of a way you try to be. Maybe you try to be generous, kind, helpful or a good listener. Whatever it is, write it down here:
Then, using the word or phrase above, answer these questions one by one:
1) To seem this way to others, I've been:
Pause for a moment, and answer one or both of these questions:
2) But on my own terms, being this way means being:
3) And people I admire for being this way inspire me because they are:
Now take a minute to reflect on anything interesting or surprising in the difference between your answer to Question 1) and Questions 2) and 3). Write down anything that stands out for you.
Start by thinking of a way you try to be.
Protective ← This concept is a bundle of goals/fears, expectations, and personal values. Being protective guides my decisions in different ways.
Using the word or phrase above, answer these questions one at a time.
1) To seem this way to others, I've been:
Vigilant ← Fear. I am afraid of what might happen to people I care about if I don't pay close attention. Dangers and threats to their wellbeing become salient to me as I move through the world. When this aspect of my concept of protective is guiding my choices; I focus on outcomes. Fierce ← Social Norm. If I notice a threat, I make sure that other people understand that I would be ready to fight for the people I love. When this aspect of my concept of protective is guiding my choices, I focus on how the people I encounter perceive me. Stoic ← Social Norm. I have an image of a "bodyguard" in my mind. I pressure myself to be a person whom nothing can shake or disturb. When this aspect of my concept of protective is guiding my choices, I focus on how I perceive myself.
2) But on my own terms, being this way means being:
Attentive ← Personal Value. When this aspect of my concept of protective is guiding my choices, I believe a good life will unfold for me. Further articulating this value (which we will learn to do later) leads me to this: Analyzing and responding to the smallest details of the physical and emotional needs of the people I love.
3) And people I admire for being this way inspire me because they are:
Connected ← Personal Value. When this aspect of my concept of protective is guiding my choices, I feel like I am being my best authentic self. Further articulating this value (which we will learn to do later) leads me to this: Cultivating ongoing contact with the inner life of the people who are closest to me. (in the same value-cloud as the one in #2)
Now take a minute to reflect on anything surprising or interesting in the difference between your answer to Question 1) vs. Questions 2) and 3). Write down anything that stands out to you.
When I foreground the external threats from which I want to protect the people I care about, I actually end up losing focus on the thing that is most important to me—maintaining a connection with what is going on inside of them.
This meditation is a first step on the path to sorting out how you and others might become more articulate about your personal values. In this case, "protective" could seem like a personal value even in cases where it was driven by a fear or a social norm.
This sorting is a skill that we call 🥂Values Empathy. Once you have it, you can build new systems that help prevent agents from making choices that crowd out what is actually important to them.
Feel free to repeat the meditation with other concepts.