Paste Support Plan Here
Overview. Each player finds ways they think people shouldn't be. The group then agrees to support each other in trying out those »out of character« selves, and reflecting on the experience.
Make a list of a few ways you work to set an example to friends or strangers. Or, if it seems more intuitive, you can make a list of standards you expect yourself to live up to.
I work to be set an example as... / I expect myself to be...
Common Examples: Accomodating, Authentic, Calm, Caring, Fair, Friendly, Generous, Gentle, Intellegent, Interested, Interesting, Loving, Kind, Open-Minded, Patient, Strong
Other Tips:
It's best if you really do put in some work to be seen or think of yourself in these ways:
Caring - you want to go to bed, but you stay up to listen to your friends complain
Intelligent - you overprepare for meetings and take extensive notes on everything
What kind of example do you try hard not to set? What do you really not want others to think it's ok to be? Alternatively, what kind of person do you specifically not want to be?
because I don't want anyone to think it's ok to be... / because I can't stand to see myself as...
Common Examples: Bitchy, Bored, Boring, Cold, Dangerous, Egotistical, Fake, Impatient, Mean, Racist, Rough, Selfish, Sexist, Snobby, Spiteful, Stingy, Stupid, Weak
Other Tips:
This list is not necessarily just the literal opposite of the list above. The best »scary opposite« is one that actually makes you feel anxious when you think about others seeing you that way, or think about yourself being that way.
Sometimes that means »scary opposites« end up looking like this:
I work to be seen as organized because I don't want anyone to think I'm crazy. 😱
I expect myself to be helpful because I can't stand to see myself as resigned. 😱
Sometimes it means getting more specific:
Bitchy, like someone who just insults people if she doesn't like how they look - NOOOOO... everyone would hate me if they thought I were like that. 😱
Stupid, like a guy who really just doesn't get what is going on in his surroundings - I would be terrified if I thought I weren't actually aware of the social context. 😱
In a circle, one player at a time tries on one of their ways of being, saying or doing something out of character, without telling the others which it is. The others can compliment anything they liked about what the person did or said (the character, not the acting). Then it is the next player's turn.
Take a few minutes to think about why you think it's important for everyone to be that way and what way of being might be compromised through that. Take notes and then share.
What do you worry would happen if you didn't push yourself to be this way?
How could you be if you weren't pressuring yourself to live up to a certain image?
Thinking back: Norms vs Values in Action
"Shoulds"
Norms. Think back to situations when your actions were guided by a norm and how you felt in that moment. Try to remember 3 moments when you:
1. tried to set an example or pressured others to do something (set the norm, ideology, social modeling)
2. tried to meet an expectation, tried to fit in (followed a norm)
3. tried to pressure yourself to live up to a certain standard or image (followed an internalized norm)
"Coulds"
Values. Think back to situations when your actions were guided by a value and how you felt in that moment. Try to remember 2 moments when you:
1. observed a person being some way that was inspiring to you / you thought was really cool?
2. acted in a way that seemed like an expression of your self.
"Feelings"
Feeling patterns. Can you feel a difference in how you felt in your body when your actions were motivated by the shoulds (norms) vs the coulds (values)?
feelings in should moments:
feelings in could moments:
Emotions point at what is important to us. You might be joyful at the sight of an old friend, or angry when you feel some injustice has taken place. But upon reflection, our emotions are not only about external circumstances. They can also point us toward our values, “ways of being” that are important to us, and which were either expressed (tends to feel great) or suppressed (tends to feel crummy).
Method: Harvesting your values starting from emotions
To begin with harvesting your own emotions, step back into your memory. Pick a situation you experienced in the past weeks that felt challenging and that stuck with you. This worksheet is most interesting to go through for a situation that brought up challenging emotions that are linked to the situation itself more than to previous trauma. Here are some questions to help you flesh out your memory.
- Where were you? With whom? What happened? What emotions came up? How did they manifest in your body?
As you have identified different emotions that came up, decide on the one that was most clear and present. Think about the immediate cause of the emotion.
Write down your emotion and its immediate cause.
I felt ___________________ because____________________________________________________________.
ie. Aisha felt frustrated because people were late.
Find the emotion that came up on the list below and ask yourself some of the prompting questions. Challenging emotions point us towards values that were blocked, that we could not attend to, that were suppressed and so on.
If the emotion you wrote down does not match the emotions listed beneath, go for the one that is closest. For each emotion, you'll find several questions—pick the one that seems most helpful, and take notes.
What's worth protecting?
What way of living is blocked?
What way of being has no space here?
Take Notes:
What's worth protecting?
What way of living is blocked?
What way of being is not safe to emerge?
Take Notes:
What's worth protecting?
What way of living is blocked?
What way of being is not safe to emerge?
Take Notes:
What's worth protecting?
What way of living is threatened?
What way of being can you not bear to give up on?
Take Notes:
What's worth protecting?
What way of living is threatened?
What way of being can you not bear to give up on?
Take Notes:
What's worth protecting?
What way of living is threatened?
Take Notes:
What's worth recovering?
What way of living is overridden?
What value did you fail to live by?
Take Notes:
What's worth recovering?
What way of living did you neglect?
Take Notes:
What's worth recovering?
What way of living did you neglect?
What did you fail to prioritise?
Take Notes:
What's worth recovering?
What way of living did you give up on?
What do you no longer trust yourself with?
Take Notes:
What's worth honoring?
What way of living is lost for now?
What way of living has become impossible?
Take Notes:
What is worth protecting?
What way of living is violated?
Take Notes:
What's worth recovering?
What way of living is estranged?
Take Notes:
What is worth protecting?
What way of living is violated?
Take Notes:
What is worth protecting?
What way of living is violated?
Take Notes:
What's worth honoring?
What way of living is lost for now?
What way of living has become impossible?
Take Notes:
What's worth honoring?
What way of living is lost for now?
What way of living has become impossible?
Take Notes:
What's worth honoring?
What way of living is lost for now?
What way of living has become impossible?
Take Notes:
What's worth recentering around?
What way of living is out of focus?
What way of living do you not know how to bring to this?
What ways of living seem to be in conflict with each other?
Take Notes:
What's worth recentering around?
What way of living is out of focus?
What way of living do you not know how to bring to this?
What ways of living seem to be in conflict with each other?
Take Notes:
What's worth nurturing?
What way of living is unsafe to emerge?
What's worth identifying?
What way of living would allow the above emerge?
Take Notes:
What's worth nurturing?
What way of living is unsafe to emerge?
What's worth identifying?
What way of living would allow the above emerge?
Take Notes:
What's worth nurturing?
What way of living is unsafe to emerge?
What's worth identifying?
What way of living would allow the above emerge?
Take Notes:
What's worth nurturing?
What way of living is unsafe to emerge?
What's worth identifying?
What way of living would allow the above emerge?
Take Notes:
What's worth demoting?
What way of living doesn't make sense anymore?
What's worth embracing?
What way of living will save the above?
Take Notes:
What's worth nurturing?
What way of living seems impossible?
Take Notes:
What's worth nurturing?
What way of living seems impossible?
Take Notes:
What's worth nurturing?
What way of living seems impossible?
Take Notes:
Take Notes:
What's worth nurturing?
What way of living seems impossible?
Take Notes:
What's worth nurturing?
What way of living seems impossible?
Take Notes:
Using the guiding questions, try to articulate your value as a sentence.
Ex: Aisha felt frustrated because people were late. That blocked her ability to treat her time as sacred.
→ Aisha's articulated value might be: "treating time as sacred"
When you articulate your value try to use one of these pre-fixes in your formulation.
approaching things ___, treating people ___, acting ___, keeping things ___, living life ____
Note down your articulated value:
Let's clarify your value to make sure that it isn't polluted with norms, goals, fears, etc. Note that your value might already be on spot, in which case you don't need to answer the questions below.
- Would it still be worth doing independent of the outcome? If so, continue to the next bullet point. If not, it's a goal or fear! Take notes below.
- Would it still be worth doing if no one knew you did it? If so, continue to the next question. If not, it's a social norm. Take notes below.
- Do you believe you could still be a good person even if you failed to be this way? If so, continue to the next question. If not, it's an internalized social norm. Take notes below.
- Would it still be worth being this way if no one else ever joined in? If so, (after all the questions above) it's probably a value! If not, it’s an ideological commitment. Take notes below.
"How would I want to approach things/treat people/etc. if I couldn't affect the outcome?"
"How would I want to approach things/treat people/etc. if no one noticed?"
"How would I want to approach things/treat people/etc. if there were no rules?"
"How would I want to approach things/treat people/etc. if I couldn't influence anyone?
Write your clarified 🌳 Personal Value in the box below using one of the following pre-fixes.
approaching things ___, treating people ___, acting ___, keeping things ___, living life ____
Imagine that you had to give an actor instructions on how to be the way you are being when you are living by your personal value. Write out your thoughts in a paragraph (stream of consciousness is fine) on how they should do that.
Now boil those thoughts down into one sentence that the actor should hold in their mind.
Write your specified 🌳 Personal Value in the box below starting with:
approach things ___, treat people ___, act ___, keep things ___, live life ____
Think of a way you try to be. Maybe you try to be generous, kind, helpful or a good listener. Whatever it is, write it down here:
Using the word above, answer these questions one at a time. (slowly works best)
1) To seem this way to others, I've been:
2) But on my own terms, being this way means being:
3) And people I admire for being this way inspire me because they are:
Use your answers to 2) and 3) to continue.
Ex: Aisha felt frustrated because people were late. That blocked her ability to treat her time as sacred.
Ex: James loves following his curiosity to expand into the unknown. His job at the textile factory is very repetitive. It feels impossible to live that way there. He ends up leaving work each day feeling depressed. Ex: Lian felt deeply hurt. It seemed unsafe to try to keep things respectful when she was under attack. How could her friend say something so cruel about her ex-lovers?
Begin by thinking of a way that you used to approach something, but that has changed.
Examine the transition from the old to the new approach. Usually there is a conflict involved, some hard-earned wisdom that you gained along the way. Or maybe you found a new role model?
Old approach:
What happened?:
New approach:
Once we've both outlined the story of our transitions, we will share our wisdom.
Note—Our »old approaches« are often clearly polluted by goals, fears, social modelling/ideological commitments, and norms. If you have time, mark those with the following codes:
GF=goals/fears / MI=social modelling/ideology / SN=social norms / PV=personal values
Also mark them if they are still present in the »new approach«, or if new ones have arisen.
- What would "new you" say to "old you" as advice to explain the new way of being?
- Was there really an old value, or was it just ignorance or a lack of attention?
- Was there something in common that was better accomplished by the new value, rather than the old value?
GF=goals/fears / MI=social modelling/ideology / SN=social norms / PV=personal values
Old approach: I was writing a big paper at the end of my university studies. I would show up in the library when it opened at 8am every morning. I thought I had to work long hours to become a successful academic (GF). I read all the books that my advisor recommended (SN), and made sure that I demonstrated leadership by being incredibly well prepared for all of my meetings with my study group (MI).
What happened?: I started to burn out. I didn't care about what I was learning anymore. The whole process felt empty and useless. I nearly dropped out of the program.
New approach: I realized that I needed to focus on following my curiosity wherever it leads (PV). I ended up finishing the paper, and going on to become a journalist because it allows me to pursue whatever subject fascinates me right now.
